5 Regrets You Can Change

 

I have a sign hanging in my bathroom that reads: What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? 

It has hung (read: held up with blue tac) in the same spot, saying the same thing for two years, yet it wasn't until today that I read it to myself over and over again placing emphasis on each word to trying to harness the power of its message. What would I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail? Interesting...

I arrived at work a short time later and opened an email from a girlfriend who is supporting me through the ups and downs, uncertainity and confusion surrounding my desire to start my own business. I knew I would not fail if I shared it with you.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

10 Ways to Beat Stress

Do you suffer from stress? If not, it is highly likely that you know someone who does. I recently read a magazine article that revealed 21 per cent of Australian women aged between 16 and 44 years suffered from an anxiety disorder. Surprisingly, I wasn't shocked by this statistic as I have previously struggled with anxiety.

Five years ago I was working as a PR Account Manager and had recently ended a long-term relationship. At the time, I thought my nailbiting, oversensitivity and severe acne were merely signs of trying to cope with work demands and very long hours in the office (and perhaps one to many glasses of red wine in the evenings) but thanks to several open and honest conversations with a few close girlfriends, a little research and soul searching, I realised I was living with anxiety.

My lightbulb moment came one friday afternoon when I couldn't get involved in a conversation with colleagues during after-work drinks, for fear of being judged, scrutinised and generally convinced that everyone hated me. The panic swept through my body at a rate of knots and I immediately made excuses of having a headache and jumped in the first cab home before I broke down in tears. I was so shocked by my actions and response to the situation, I knew instantly I needed to find out what was going on in my head.

Now, other than my closest friends and Teach, I have never spoken about my experience because I thought confiding in someone that I suffered anxiety would generate the same type of response as when you tell them you have a fear of spiders, the dark or black cats walking under ladders - they'd look at you in confusion and try to convince you otherwise. Besides, I didn't want to be judged (a double-edged sword for someone with anxiety!).

Honestly, I don't know why I have decided to reveal this to you now, but after reading the story on anxiety I felt compelled to share with you my 10 tips for beating stress and turning anxiety on its head because it is more common than we realise, and it can be resolved.

10 WAYS TO BEAT STRESS

1. MEDITATION
Relaxation is very important to allow your mind to breathe and reboot. Simple, slow breathing can work wonders to hep you feel grounded, at ease and re-energise your soul. If you're not one with meditation, try reading, a massage or having a bath. Any activity that eliminates noise and gives you 20 peaceful minutes to yourself.

2. DO THINGS YOU VALUE
Do you say 'Yes' to everyone and never yourself? Try taking on less or re-evaluate the duties you've been assigned and do the ones you find value in. Don't spread yourself too thin.

3. FAMILY AND FRIENDS
If you start feeling the signs of an anxiety attack coming on or your in a stressful situation, call your friends and family or pop over for a cup of tea. A good social support network can remind you that you are 'allowed' to be yourself, have fun and be comfortable.

4. RE-EVALUATE THE MOMENT
Picture yourself looking in to the scenario and try to view it from an outsider's perspective. Is it as bad as you think it is? Would someone else think, act or feel the same way in that situation? Sometimes by dis-engaging you can view it objectively and remove emotion. Afterwards, return to the moment and focus on the here and now, not the past or 'what if' of the future.

5. USE HUMOUR
Got a friend who always makes you laugh? Well, get chatting and have a side-tickling time. Finding the funny side of a situation can help reduce fear. Other simple ways to get laughing could include watching a funny DVD or spending time with kids - children can come up with the best one-liners!

6. A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
Alcohol is not the answer. Trust me! Eating nutrious food, getting adequate sleep and regular excerise all help to fight daily stresses. Personally, I found exercise gave me one hour to myself each day to think (see Point 1) and recharge the batteries.

7. POSITIVE THINKING
Thanks to the number one best seller 'The Secret', the power of positive thinking got a bad wrap, but it worked for me. By turning the negative thoughts I was having about myself into positive affirmations I started feeling better about myself. The simplicity of: "I am an intelligent and valuable person" is very powerful. Find one that suits you and write it down. Read it as often as you need to.

8. LEARN TO SAY NO
Similar to Point 2, learning to say No is crucial to develop boundaries. You don't need to do everything to win other's approval, so be honest to yourself and to others from the beginning. If they don't like it, they aren't worth having around.

9. PRIORITISE YOURSELF
If you are stressed, exhausted and anxious to the point of burnout you will have trouble being of any use to yourself, let alone someone else. Value You!

10. SELF COMPASSION
Remember the Ben Lee song, "We are all in this together". You are not alone and we all feel stressed at some time. Take comfort in the knowledge that you are meant to be here and you are loved.


These tips are a combination of my own thoughts and points sourced from Madison Magazine. 

Parisian Dreamin'

 

The air in Brisbane today is fresh, cool and slightly damp. The rain has been falling on and off for a day and a half with several days of intermittent weather remaining. 

It is on mornings such as this, when I'm obliged to stay indoors and drink copious amounts of Earl Grey Tea, my mind becomes preoccupied with memories of living in Paris. 

The romantic streetscapes, the red wine, the cheese, the coffee, the constant sound of sirens, the walks by the River Seine and along the Champs-Elysees, the mind-blowing history on every corner, the delectable mouth-watering fresh bread topped with bolders of brie....Oh, did I mention the red wine? Paradis! 

 

My trip down memory lane is bathed in divine sunshine because, if I am honest, living there was very difficult. I don't speak the language - despite signing up for an adult education class in French six months before I left - I was alone and only had a mobile that only worked occassionally and limited funds for day-to-day expenses (you know...the essentials: red wine, coffee, cheese and bread). But somehow I made it work, I found my way and I returned to tell the tale.

This is a little life lesson I remind myself of today as I get stuck in the revolving door of house cleaning, washing clothes, cooking E's food and generally playing Mum.

Take a look around. This is life. There are aspects that are foriegn to you, that are intimidating, scaring and down-right boring but you will find a way. Just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and I promise you will look back on these moments as ones bathed in divine sunshine because you made it your own.

Back to work

The time has come to pack away the bath robe and slippers, unpack the corporate suits and polish up my fancy shoes because this Mumma his heading back to the workforce. Eeeek!

I finished up at my previous job a little more than one year ago. I remember cleaning out my desk and handing over a pile of business cards to my replacement and thinking, 'Thank god I don't have to use these again.' The only cards I collect now are ones from close friends and family celebrating E's arrival and business cards from Day Cares where E is on the waiting list.

Since starting a "life of luxury" I haven't needed to worry about having enough change for the bus in the morning, or that my jackets were dry cleaned before a big meeting or what incorrect story The Courier Mail was going to write about my client.

Nope, the most I worried about in the past 13 months was made up of more important issues like is E feeding enough during the day so he'll sleep at night? Am I about to run out of nappies and what sunscreen should I buy a baby so I don't fill his precious skin with chemicals? Does he have enough to keep him interested during the day? What should I make us for lunch? Etc... etc... The pressure may not be as high, but it's pressure nonetheless. Now I have to find a way to answer both. Correctly. First time. Every time. Obviously.

As this week rolls on and the first day of my new job gets closer my excitement for getting back into my career is slowly turning into panic. Not only will I start a new job in a new corporate environment, but all my work clothes resemble a tent an elephant would wear - a very faded and ugly tent thanks to the behemoth I was during pregnancy (not that there's anything wrong with that), AND I have to get E organised and ready to start Day Care in as many days. Two whammies on one day. I don't do things by halves do I?

Do I give in to these feelings of anxiousness and fear of getting back on the corporate treadmill after the longest break in my career to date, or do I focus on getting my darling boy through his first day (and week) away from home without Mum? 

I keep thinking, he'll be all alone in the big bad world with only his cute chubby smile to defend him? Yes, I'm completely overreacting, of course he's got cute chubby arms and legs that pack a mighty punch too, but you know what I mean.

The longest I've left E since he was born is 5 hours. Even then I was a prisoner of my own sweat-drenched panic because I was convinced he was having a melt down without me there to provide comfort (i.e. boobs) and I would regret going shopping with my girlfriends instantly.

Of course I got home, E was sound asleep and Teach didn't even realise five hours had passed. My emotional state was completely over the top and a result of me not learning to let go and have someone else - his very capable Daddy no less - look after him.

If that's what I was like six months ago, I'd hate to think what I'll be like after E's first eight hours in Day Care with a random stranger! Most probably hiding in the corner of the house, rocking back and forth in the arm chair with my arms wrapped firmly around E staring off in to the distance chantting, 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home.' 

Actually, that's reminded me, I need to get to the bottleo and stock up on a few good bottles of Red. This Mumma's gonna need it!

Life Lessons

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I believe that I've learnt more about life watching E grow than I ever would have without him. During our trip to NZ he taught me another valuable life lesson. It's pure, simple, uncomplicated and true:

Never stop learning and experimenting

As E continues to develop and discover the world around him, I too am rediscovering my world. What have I learnt so far? Don't be afraid to wrip open the vegemite packet and smear it all over the place, if that's what you want to do. Just eat it and enjoy it! Who cares about the mess, the inevitable scrubbing of the clothes to remove stains and the looks you get from people? When you follow your heart happiness generally follows and the world is a better place. 

I've printed out the above photos of E devouring his vegemite and pinned them to the board above my desk to remind me everyday to collect experiences, not posessions. After all, that is what I'll remember about my life and be thankful for at the end of the day, isn't it?

Blonde Ambitions

I'd prefer not to compare myself to Li-Lo, but in this instance, I have to.

I must apologise for not writing this week. I was all prepared to submit witty stories each day thanks to Teach being on leave and sharing the caring load, but on Tuesday my world turned upside down. I experienced a personal tradegy like no other emotional turmoil I've ever been through.

Ok, so it wasn't really a personal tradegy and I shouldn't compare this incident to one, but it certainly feels like it. Hear me out.

My hair - which has taken me a little more than 3 years to get where I wanted it - was died blonde. I'm not referring to a light blonde rinse that freshened up my old colour. I'm talking trashy, white/yellow blonde from root to tip. Think Lindsay-Lohan-Skank-Blonde and you're .01% close to I look right now!

I don't know what came over me. Getting my hair done once every 3 to 4 months is a highlight of my year (pun intended). Several hours to myself to have someone fuss over me with free lattes and the latest selection of womens magazine in easy reach while they work their magic and make me somewhat human - who wouldn't love that?

But for some, gold-only-knows reason, I didn't just get 'the usual' this time around. Instead, I told my delightful Hairdresser Kim* to give me an all over blonde colour like Reese Witherspoon or Gwyneth Paltrow.

I wanted a little more pizzazz for Summer and thought an overall colour could be just what I needed. I was so excited to swan home to my two favourite men, in manner of Grace Kelly, and have them 'Wowed' off their feet.

Well, off their feet they were...in laughter at my ridiculous yellow hair that makes me look like I'd got my finger stuck in a light socket and my hair changed in shock.

Even as I write this I am mortified by the memory of the whole experience, because what I haven't admitted to you, is that all of this is my fault. I wish I could pass the buck and rant and rave about my hairdresser not listening to me. But no. I went back to have it fixed....and made it worse!

Here is the whole truthful story...so help me God.

I sat down with Kim and asked for an all over colour. This part you know. However instead of just getting a full head of foils (like I should've) I said, 'What if we just went blonde all over? Would that be OK?' Kim was quick to tell me it would look great because of my skin tone. 'I wouldn't tell you to do it if I didn't think it would look bad,' she comforted. You'd think the warning bells would've gone off then, but alas, I let her go.

Some time later, Kim washed my hair and sat me back down in the chair in front of the mirror. I swear my roots could have played the Yellow Brick Road in Wizard of Oz. I freaked out and the look on my face said it all. Kim was on to me immediately.

'Why don't we put a polish over it and calm it down a little, so it's not soooo blonde?' she suggested. 'Ok, that would be great.'

As the polish was applied I physically felt my stomach retract from my throat to its intended position. I was calming down and felt confident Kim knew what she was doing.

My hair ended up being a slightly dirty colour with blonde roots. Think dirty dish water with the lemon soap suds left. Overall it was a nothing colour. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. Definitley not a colour I wanted for Summer, but I went home and reviewed the damage in the mirror - like every woman does after a visit to the hairdresser.

That gut wrenching feeling of disbelief and anxiety returned.  I had to do something to remedy this distaster. I felt sick. The next day I rang Kim and explained my disappointment. Bless her, she got me back in straight away to fix the problem.

I said, "It's just not what I had in mind. I'm happy with blonde hair, but I feel like this is closer to light brown. Maybe we could just bring it up a little?'

Kim suggested putting half a head of foils all over my head with the blonde colour she normally uses on my hair. 'I wont add any lowlights because it's already in there. I'll just add in the blondest one of your two blondes.'

'Sure' I replied. Then there was a little knock on the door in my mind. Little Sian opened the door and whispered in my ear, 'Won't that be too blonde? Don't you just want a few little highlights scattered across the front half?'

"It'll be fine. She knows what she's doing,' I replied, pushing her back out the door and slamming it behind her.

A little over two hours later, as Kim was blasting my hair dry, I could feel the tears starting to fill my eyes. 'Do not cry. Just get home,' I consoled myself.

I knew instantly I'd done the wrong thing and should not have returned to the hair dresser emotional, anxious and upset. Why didn't I listen to Teach and wait a week or two until I got use to the new colour and then decide if I wanted to have it changed back? I might have been in a better position to explain what I needed or was looking for instead of just assuming Kim and Little Sian were communicating on the same wave length.

But no! I'm now lost. Lost in a haze of confusion, emotional hell and self-loathing. Oh, and let's not forget bright YELLOW hair! Aaaaargh!!!

Instead of telling tales about how much fun Teach, E and I had shopping for our first family Christmas Tree on Monday, I've spent the last two days trying to find a way to reverse time and get my old hair back, avoiding mirrors and swearing at myself.

Photos around the house are not helping me come to terms with my new hair either. All I'm doing is mourning the loss of something so young and beautiful that ended before it's time.'Why God, WHY?'

I've since put a call out on Facebook to ask if anyone can recommend a colourist to fix my hair, plus a friend has dropped over her bottle of Silver Saver (aka purple shampoo) to help me in the interim, but it's not immediate enough. You'd think I'd learn my lesson and not rush into any more decisions or colours, but I can't help it. I must fix it now! 


Can anyone help me?

* Name changed

Sleep Training: One Tired Parent's Diary - Part Two

Well it seems our endeavour to teach E how to self-settle during the night has ended before it really began...

I'm not sure if it was my initial resistance (covered by cocky confidence), levels of anxiety or desire to sleep and 'deal with it later' that overcame me, but I woke up today vowing to find another solution. Anything must be better than hearing my darling boy cry. In short, I gave up.

Sleep Training: One Tired Parent's Diary

After more than four months of E's constant night waking - ranging from every 4 hours to every hour - Teach and I have decided to try and teach E to self-settle during the night.

Self-settling is also referred to as Controlled Crying (CC), Crying it Out (CIO), Sleep Training (ST) and Controlled Comforting (again CC). No matter what you want to call it, it's a controversial subject. Many wise women before me *cough* have prepared papers on the pros and cons of CC, some declaring it causes psychological harm on the child and instils a sense of abandonment. Others say allowing a baby to cry and fall asleep on their own (without being fed, rocked, nursed etc...) will not harm them in and infact could teach children resilience.

Stop! Spring is telling me something...

Yesterday, as E and I were putting out the washing, something caught my eye. I stopped doing my chores (which was really difficult because I looooove chores...NOT) and noticed the first fabulous sign of spring. 

Happy Father's Day Baby. I'd kill for a cuppa!

In preparation for Father’s Day this Sunday I’ve been trying to plan something special for Teach. I attempted to mark the occasion last year but seeing E (or ‘Grug’ as he was known during the gestational period) wasn’t born yet my efforts were more comical than serious.