No, I'm talking about those memorable events that have happened since joining the ya-ya-sisterhood that I was not prepared for or at least forewarned about, yet are somewhat universal. WTF?! Um... give a woman the heads up please ladies. Geesh!
So for the sake of full disclosure for all soon-to-be-Mums here are three little ditties* I would've loved to have known about before they smacked me right in the kisser.
1) Sir Burp-alot.
Everyone I came across during my pregnancy explained the brilliant virtues of breastfeeding. It's fabulous bonding between Mum and Bub and is the best way to provide nutrition, blah, blah, blah... We all know this but I'm not discussing feeding techniques here. Nope. I bring your attention to burping. Honey, I don't care how you feed your little tucker, if he doesn't burp after a feed you're in a whole world of pain. I discovered this world in Myer last week when I was trying to do three things at once and decided it would be faster if I didn't burp E and just put him in his pram in a bid of time saving efficiency. Ha, Ha, Ha! As soon as his little bum went down, my superhero was up, up and away. His crying screams lasted for what felt like eternity because he had a pain in his belly which a good solid burp could have eased. The story continues, but the point of the tale is ALWAYS burp your rug rat - especially when you think he's fine. Breastfeeding might be the best for bub, but burping is just as bloody important. A fact no-one ever mentions but assumes you already know.
2) Aim...FIRE!
As the gorgeous Gisele Bundchen explained, 'They don't call it labour for nothing'. Again... NOT a surprise. I had pysched myself up so much for the excruciating pain that I didn't know where my pain threshold was. Is this as bad as it gets, or is there more? It bloody hurts now, but what if this is only the beginning? Can I ask for pain relief now or is it too early? I eventually got through 19 hours of labour only to be faced with the delivery. This is the part women around the world forget to highlight. For the sake of keeping it clean, I won't go into (any further) detail but if you're after more information or an idea of the type of pain the delivery is I recommend putting your va-jayjay in a roaring fire for at least half an hour. My lovely Midwife said, 'You'll feel a burn then it's over.' It sounded so easy like she was asking someone to pass the salt at dinner. It was a mere side thought. What she should of done was bring out the guitar and bring it home with a rousing rendition of 'Burn, burn, burn. The ring of fire. The ring of fire.' It would've made Johnny Cash so proud and me a little more prepared for the HELL that followed.
3) It's not over when the pregnant woman screams.
The last piece of insider information I'll share with you is this...for approximately one week after your bundle of joy arrives (for me it was a week), each time you feed the little man a sharp pain shoots through you like you're being zapped with electricity. Um...Hello? It would've been nice to know this incase you find yourself feeding in front of your in-laws and the sudden shock of pain makes you jolt and almost drop the new grandson. 'What the hell was that?' I asked my confused visitors. My girlfriend explained it's just my uterus being told my baby was out and feeding so it could go back to where it came from. Charming! I'm very grateful it's done its job and served E and I well, but again, it would've been really nice to know the clap of thunder through my womb was normal before I dropped a few f-bombs with my Mother-in-law in ear shot.
What did you discover the hard way only to find out it's universal? Why are some things about pregnancy and labour on a top secret no-need-to-share-this list?
*This blog post is for entertainment only. Every woman is different. If you have any queries please contact your health professional.
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